Dear Agent I Never Had:
It hurts to say this, oh agent I never had. But it’s over.
It’s not you. It’s me.
It just can’t go on like this. You won’t return my calls, texts and emails. I comment on your blog regularly only to be ignored. It hurts so much, oh agent I never had.
Of the thousands of great agents in the literary world, I longed only for your attention. Your credentials are so strong. You’re the best of the best. I could never measure up to your standards. I wish you’d just told me to go away, but you gave me the silent treatment.
I was selfish, I know. And I’m sorry. I wanted the badge of honor that goes with traditional publishing. It would have been so glamorous. We’d have gone to book signings together, laughed at our undeserved success and I’d have given you so many thanks in the acknowledgements of our books. I miss you already, and we were never even a couple.
I broke the rules, I know. I sent you a direct message which you said not to do. But I thought it would be okay just to let you know it was you that I wanted. Only you.
If the work is a success, maybe you’ll give me a call. I’m not sure if I’ll pick up the phone. IJDK. We possibly could reconcile the relationship we never had.
Who knows? Maybe we could go to counseling and work it all out. But the next move is yours. If the phone doesn’t ring, you’ll know it’s me.
In the meantime, I’m going to prove a point to you, agent I never had. I’ll self-publish my first book by the end of September. I’ve talked it over with my editor, and he thinks it’s a good idea. We’ll take this blog post as the foundation for a writer/blogger’s guide to success. I’m already working on it. If you see it, and hate it, don’t tell me. It’ll just tear the scab off old wounds.
I’m going to take you off my Facebook friends list and unsubscribe to your blog. It hurts too much to see you bragging on all your other suitors.
Maybe in the end, John Mellencamp knew what he was talking about.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out.
The Client You Wouldn’t Have.
(On a serious note watch for the soon-to-come countdown for the release of: Writing for Boris: An Author and Writer‘s Guide to Making the World Your Audience. Check the Facebook widget on this site to follow details of the release.)